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Funny Stuff



You're at home surfing the web and you haven't come across a decent website in days. Now you've landed here. Believe it or not you've come to the right place.

This page holds the key between sanity and insanity. It represents that fine line between reality and your funny bone. Sit back and let us take over your humorous senses.


Categories:
Things You Can Do With Absolutely Nothing
Things You Can Do With Very Little
Things You Can Do With Another Person
Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity at the Workplace
Funny Stuff
Laws That You Should Know...
Various Funnies
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters
Things That Irritate a Sane Person
10 Signs That You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...
Life in the 1500's...Is it true?
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO or Signed up for ObamaCare
Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Office Inspirational Posters
Did You Hear About The Redneck...
Only In America...
The Best Newspaper Headlines Of 1998
Celebrity Sayings...
And You Thought You Were Having A Bad Day
Camping Hints
Semi-Fascinating Facts
Getting Older
You Might Be A Medical Person If...
Old Timer's Poem
Viruses For Which There Is No Known Disinfectant
Trivia
Questions That Should Bother You
Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods
Hallmark Cards You Will Never See
Great Truths We Have Learned
Read The Signs
Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
The Rules of Texas
19 Things It Took Me 50 Years To Learn - By Dave Barry


Things You Can Do With Absolutely Nothing
  • Figure out how many seconds you have to live
    (Amusement Potential: 5 to 20 minutes, depending on if you use a calculator) How long do I have before I will be planted in the ground? First, guess the day: how old will you be, what day will you die? Then get a pencil and paper and start figuring. - Submitted by Ryan Ferreri

  • Push your eyes for interesting light show
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscience trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?

  • See how long you can hold your breath
    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal best is 2:00 (exactly).

  • Try to not think about polar bears
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

  • Scratch yourself
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

  • Hurt yourself
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

  • Try to swallow your tongue
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

  • Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

  • Get yourself as nauseated as possible
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

Things You Can Do With Very Little
  • See what's in your neighbor's trash
    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

  • Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

  • Call up people who write editorials you disagree with
    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.

  • Make prank phone calls
    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.

  • Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you
    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

  • Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

  • Burn things with a magnifying glass
    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

Things You Can Do With Another Person
  • Have a water drinking contest
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

  • Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment-does this really work?

  • Have a "Who is less competitive" competition
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

  • Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

  • Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

  • Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.


Ways To Confuse Your Roommate:
  • Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

  • Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

  • Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.

  • Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

  • Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."

  • Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.

  • Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.

  • Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.

  • Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.

  • Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that dadburn hypnotist...."

  • Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."

  • Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

  • Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

  • Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.

  • Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.

  • Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

  • Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

  • Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

  • Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.

  • Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

  • Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

  • Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

  • Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

  • Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

  • Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.

  • Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.

  • Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

  • Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."

  • Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

  • Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

  • When ever your roommate has company walk over into the middle of the room and sit down, cross legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make LOUD chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.

  • Buy a copy of_Helter_Skelter_ or_Silence_of_the_Lambs_, or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling "that looks good" as you highlight pages in the book.

  • Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "snakes snakes!"

  • Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommates name. Complain that you never get mail.

  • Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the house backwards.

  • Carry a pair of walkie talkies with you at all times. Insist that they use it when ever they want to talk to you.

  • Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc, look at them exasperatedly, come out of the hiding and tell them that they gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to them for several hours.

  • Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the house every morning.


    How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity at the Workplace
  • Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

  • Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

  • Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

  • Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

  • While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

  • Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

  • Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

  • Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

  • Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

  • Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

  • Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

  • Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.


    Funny Stuff
    1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!

    2. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

    4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

    5. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

    6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

    8. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

    9. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

    10. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

    11. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

    12. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

    13. Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

    14. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

    15. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

    16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    17. Clones are people two.

    18. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

    19. Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

    20. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

    21. As I said before, I never repeat myself!

    22. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

    23. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

    24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    25. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

    26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

    27. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

    28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

    29. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

    30. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

    31. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

    32. So what's the speed of dark?

    33. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

    34. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

    35. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

    36. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

    37. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

    38. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

    39. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    40. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

    41. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

    42. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

    43.Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

    44. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    45. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    46. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

    47. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

    48. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?


    Here Are Some Laws That You Should Know...
    1. The Law of Common Sense
    Never accept a drink from a urologist.

    2. The Law of Reality
    Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

    3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
    When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

    4. The Law of Volunteering
    If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

    5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
    When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

    6. The Law of Motivation
    Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

    7. Boob's Law
    You always find something in the last place you look.

    8. Wailer's Law
    Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

    9. Law of Probable Dispersal
    Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

    10. Law of Volunteer Labor
    People are always available for work in the past tense.

    11. Conway's Law
    In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

    12. Iron Law of Distribution
    Them that has, gets.

    13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
    There is always one more bug.

    14. Law of Drunkenness
    You can't fall off the floor.

    15. Heeler's Law
    The first myth of management is that it exists.

    16. Osborne's Law
    Variables won't; constants aren't.

    17. Main's Law
    For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

    18. Weinberg's Second Law
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.


    VARIOUS FUNNIES
    ~ A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

    ~ A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    ~ A mind is like a steel trap: Rusty, and illegal in 37 states.

    ~ A recipe for having friends: Be one.

    ~ A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.

    ~ A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

    ~ A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?

    ~ According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

    ~ Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

    ~ Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    ~ Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

    ~ Anarchy is better than no government at all.

    ~ Any day above ground is a good day.

    ~ Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

    ~ Bad thoughts are like germs. Build up your immunity!

    ~ Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

    ~ Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

    ~ Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.

    ~ Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

    ~ Book (n): a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman.

    ~ Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

    ~ Cancer causes statistics, especially in lab rats.

    ~ Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

    ~ Clones are people two.

    ~ Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

    ~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

    ~ Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

    ~ Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

    ~ Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

    ~ Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.

    ~ Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    ~ Don't force it. Get a larger hammer.

    ~ Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.

    ~ Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.

    ~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    ~ Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

    ~ Have a great day...unless you have other plans.

    ~ He who hesitates is not only lost, but probably several miles from the next freeway exit!

    ~ He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.

    ~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    ~ HELP WANTED: Telepath. You know where to apply.

    ~ History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

    ~ How can I miss you if you won't go away?

    ~ How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

    ~ How do I set my laser printer on stun?

    ~ How is it that when you eat a 1 pound bag of M&M's you can gain more than 1 pound?

    ~ I am having an out-of-money experience.

    ~ I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

    ~ I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

    ~ I don't get even, I get odder.

    ~ I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

    ~ I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

    ~ I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

    ~ I started out in this world with nothing, and I still have most of it left!

    ~ I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    ~ I'm not a minority. I'm an outnumbered majority!

    ~ I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?

    ~ I've got a...uh...uh...oh yeah! A photographic memory!

    ~ If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

    ~ If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

    ~ If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

    ~ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

    ~ If it doesn't kill you, it's probably healthy.

    ~ If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

    ~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    ~ If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

    ~ If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

    ~ If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

    ~ If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.

    ~ If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

    ~ If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
    That's why the highway department made so many of them.

    ~ If you had everything, where would you keep it?

    ~ If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

    ~ If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    ~ If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.

    ~ If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

    ~ Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

    ~ It helps to not break the Prozac in half.

    ~ It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

    ~ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    ~ Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.

    ~ Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

    ~ Life is too serious to be taken seriously.

    ~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    ~ Many people spend their health for wealth, and then try to spend their wealth for health.

    ~ Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

    ~ Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

    ~ Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

    ~ My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

    ~ My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

    ~ Never in my life did I have a lunch box that did not fill me with shame.

    ~ Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.

    ~ On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

    ~ One man's red tape is another man's system.

    ~ One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.

    ~ Only two things are infinite, the universe and stupidity...and I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

    ~ Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

    ~ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    ~ Paranoia is a terrible thing to waste.

    ~ People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

    ~ Practice doesn't make perfect. Practicing perfect makes perfect.

    ~ Put not all thine eggs in one basket but diversify among many baskets and speak up about the evils of the capital gains tax.

    ~ Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

    ~ Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

    ~ Remember amateurs built the Ark. It was experts that built the Titanic.

    ~ Remember, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?

    ~ Save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate!

    ~ Sign under a mounted fish: If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be here.

    ~ Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

    ~ Success always occurs in private; failure in full view.

    ~ Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.

    ~ The Blockbuster Entertainment awards were Tuesday: Nicolas Cage won for "Con Air"; Julia Roberts won for "My Best Friend's Wedding"; and I won for "Biggest Late Fee."

    ~ The facts--though they may be interesting--are irrelevant.

    ~ The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.

    ~ The grass may seem greener on the other side, but both sides still need mowed.

    ~ The older you get, the better you realize you were.

    ~ The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

    ~ The road to success is always under construction.

    ~ The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.

    ~ The two most abundant elements in the universe are: hydrogen and stupidity.

    ~ The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

    ~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

    ~ There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

    ~ There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

    ~ Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

    ~ Those who can't write, write help files.

    ~ Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

    ~ Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

    ~ To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

    ~ Today is the last day of your life, so far.

    ~ Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the reverse.

    ~ Verb is a noun.

    ~ Wasting time is an important part of life.

    ~ We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments.

    ~ What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? (A stick.)

    ~ What is your mind? It doesn't matter. What is matter? Never mind.

    ~ When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did--in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

    ~ When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

    ~ When will all the rhetorical questions end?

    ~ Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

    ~ Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

    ~ Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    ~ Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

    ~ Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

    ~ Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    ~ Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

    ~ You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him think very clearly.

    ~ You can't teach an old dog new tricks or a new dog much of anything at all.

    ~ You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

    ~ You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

    ~ You should never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fist.

    ~ You stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

    ~ I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

    ~ If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

    ~ You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    ~ If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

    ~ Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

    ~ No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

    ~ If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

    ~ Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

    ~ If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

    ~ Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

    ~ I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

    ~ So what's the speed of dark?

    ~ How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

    ~ After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

    ~ Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

    ~ If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

    ~ Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

    ~ Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

    ~ How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    ~ If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    ~ Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

    ~ Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?


    Things We'd Like To See
    On Company Motivational Posters

    1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

    2) It's only unethical if you get caught.

    3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

    4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

    5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

    6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)

    7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

    8) We put the "k" in "kwality"

    9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

    10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity!

    11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

    12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

    13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

    14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

    15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

    16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"

    17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.

    18) Plagiarism saves time.

    19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.

    20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

    21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

    22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years!

    23) Never quit until you have another job.

    24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself!


    Things That Irritate a Sane Person
    ** You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

    ** The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

    ** The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

    ** There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

    ** You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

    ** It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

    ** The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

    ** There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

    ** You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

    ** Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

    ** You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

    ** You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

    ** Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

    ** A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

    ** There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

    ** You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

    ** The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

    ** A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

    ** You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

    ** The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

    ** You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

    ** People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

    ** Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

    ** You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

    ** You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

    ** You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

    ** You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.


    10 signs that you have had too much of the 90's
    * You try to enter your password on the microwave.

    * You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

    *You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

    *You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

    *You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

    *Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

    *You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

    *You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

    *Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play called "Rocking to the Oldies"

    *You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.


    You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If.....
    - You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

    - Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

    - You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

    - At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

    - You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

    - You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

    - The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

    - Wookies are offended by your B.O.

    - You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

    - You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

    - Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

    - You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

    - You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

    - You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

    - You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

    - Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

    - You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

    - You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

    - You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

    - If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."


    Life in the 1500's. Is it true? You be the judge.
    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.

    Baths equalled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".

    Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".

    They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

    Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

    Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years.

    Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

    Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

    England is old and small, and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".


    Top 10 signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO or Signed up for ObamaCare
    10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

    9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

    8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

    7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

    6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."

    5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

    4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

    3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

    2. Prozac comes in different colors with little "m's" on them.

    And the Number 1 Sign...
        1. You ask for Viagra - You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.


    Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Office Inspirational Posters
    - Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

    - If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

    - Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

    - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    - Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

    - A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

    - Plagiarism saves time.

    - If at first you don't succeed, try management.

    - Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

    - TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

    - The beatings will continue until morale improves.

    - Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

    - We waste time, so you don't have to.

    - Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

    - Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

    - A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

    - When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

    - INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

    - Succeed in spite of management.

    - Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment


    Did You Hear About The Redneck...
    Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

    What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

    What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!

    Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

    How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

    How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

    Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

    What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.

    What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

    How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

    Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell'.

    Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it have been called a teethbrush.


    Only In America...
    Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense.

    Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

    Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

    Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

    Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

    Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

    Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

    Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

    Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss the call we didn't want in the first place...

    Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

    Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...

    Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!


    The Best Newspaper Headlines of 1998
    1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

    2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

    3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

    5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

    7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

    8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

    12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

    13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

    14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

    15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

    16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

    17. War Dims Hope for Peace

    18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

    19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

    23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

    25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


    Celebrity Sayings
    Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
    -Robin Williams

    If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
    -Delta Burke

    I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
    -Bill Cosby

    My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
    -Tim Allen

    We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
    -Elayne Boosler

    Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
    -Tim Allen

    A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers!
    -Jay Leno

    Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
    -Tim Allen

    Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.
    -Rita Rudner

    That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
    -Bill Cosby

    I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
    -Zsa Zsa Gabor

    The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
    -Jeff Foxworthy


    And You Thought You Were Having A Bad Day
    1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from the onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

    2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with permanent severe brain damage.

    3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record. His sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been turned off.

    4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.

    5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

    AND THE WINNER IS......

    6. An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion.


    Camping Hints
    When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

    Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

    A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

    The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

    While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

    Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

    Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

    You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

    You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

    The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

    When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

    Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

    A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

    A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

    In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

    The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

    The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

    It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

    Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

    In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.


    Semi-Fascinating Facts
    1. Rubber bands lost longer when refrigerated.

    2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

    3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

    4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

    5. A shark Is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

    6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

    7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

    8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched."

    9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag?
    ( Not so: check out www.wallis.com/cdn_bills/Flag_Rumor.htm )

    10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

    11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

    12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

    13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

    14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

    15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

    16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

    17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

    18. Los Angeles'full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Is Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".

    19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

    20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    21 Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

    22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

    23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

    24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert. the cop and Ernie the taxi cab driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life".

    25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

    26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

    27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

    28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

    29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.


    Getting Older
    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

    There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

    You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a is lot more work.

    Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

    You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

    Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

    Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

    A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

    You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

    At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

    The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

    You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

    You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

    The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

    Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

    It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

    You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

    Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

    When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

    You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

    I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.


    You Might be a Medical Person If...
    1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

    2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

    3. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

    4. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

    5. Your idea of comforting a child is placing them in a papoose restraint.

    6. You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.

    7. You believe chocolate is a food group.

    8. You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "boy, it sure is quiet around here."

    9. When you're out in public and you complement a complete stranger on their great veins.

    10. You have ever referred to a death as a transfer to the "eternal care center."

    11. You hate working nights with a full moon.

    12. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate for your patient.

    13. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled, "Suicide, Getting It Right The First Time."

    14. You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.

    15. You think caffeine should be available IV.

    16. You have ever restrained someone and it wasn't a sexual experience.

    17. The most commonly uttered phrase after midnight is, "what changed tonight at 2am that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"

    18. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

    19. You believe the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick.

    20. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.

    21. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to food.

    22. Your patient states, "I have no idea how that got stuck up there."

    23. You use your status to get out of a speeding ticket.

    24. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a night.

    25. You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

    26. You threaten to use the "hose" if your patient won't give you a urine specimen.

    27. After someone tells you how many drinks they've had, your question is, "and how big were those drinks?"


    Old Timer's Poem
    A computer was something on TV
    From a science fiction show of note.
    A window was something you hated to clean . . .
    And ram was the cousin of a goat . . .

    Meg was the name of a girl
    And gig was a job for the nights
    Now they all mean different things
    And that really mega bytes

    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity
    A keyboard was a piano

    Memory was something that you lost with age
    And CD was a bank account
    And if you had a 3-inch floppy
    You hoped nobody found out

    Compress was something you did to the garbage
    Not something you did to a file
    And if you unzipped anything in public
    You'd be in jail for a while

    Log on was adding wood to the fire
    Hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    And a backup happened to your commode

    Cut you did with a pocket knife
    Paste you did with glue
    A web was a spider's home
    And a virus was the flu

    I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper
    And the memory in my head
    I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
    But when it happens they wish they were dead!

    - author unknown


    Viruses for which there is no known disinfectant
    POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

    RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

    AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

    THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

    GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

    NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

    FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

    GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

    CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

    AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

    FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

    PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

    SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

    JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.

    CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

    STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

    HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

    LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."


    Trivia
    Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower,' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

    There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

    The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

    The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

    There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a $10 dollar bill.

    Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.


    Questions That Should Bother You
    1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

    3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

    4. If Keister wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

    5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

    6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

    7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

    8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

    9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

    10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

    11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?

    12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

    13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

    14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

    15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

    16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

    17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    19. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

    20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

    21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

    22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

    23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?


    Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods.
    - On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

    - On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    - On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

    - On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

    - On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

    - On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

    - On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

    - On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

    - On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

    - On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

    - On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

    - On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

    - On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

    - On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

    - On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."


    Hallmark Cards You Will Never See
    How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

    I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
    After having met you, I've changed my mind.

    Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.

    I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
    I never believed in Hell until I met you.

    Looking back over the years that we've been together,
    I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?

    As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

    If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

    As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
    Like the need for therapy...

    Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
    I never knew what evil was before this!

    Congratulations on your promotion.
    Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back.
    You'll probably need it again.

    Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.

    Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.

    Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost lifelike!

    When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

    I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

    We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.

    I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

    Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    Did you ever find out who the father was?

    You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

    Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...so we're having you put away.

    Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (available only in Arkansas)


    Great Truths We Have Learned
    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE
    THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

    1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.
    2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3. If your Sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person.
    4. You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
    5. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    6. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
    7. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
    8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9. School lunches stick to walls.
    10. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE
    THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

    1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
    2. There is always alot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
    For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
    3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
    4. The best way to keep 16 year olds at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
    5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
    6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
    7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
    8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
    9. Never let your 3 year old hold a tomato for you.
    10. You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and you wonder what else you can do while you are down there.


    Read The Signs
    On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

    Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

    In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

    On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

    At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

    At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

    Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

    Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

    At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

    In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

    In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

    At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

    On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

    On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

    In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

    Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

    In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."


    Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
    2) The farm was used to produce produce.
    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    10) I did not object to the object.
    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    13) They were too close to the door to close it.
    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
    19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


    The Rules of Texas
    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You'll be instructed later how to use it.

    2. Just because you can drive on snow & ice doesn't mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer & a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

    5. Remember, "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

    6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

    7. If you're yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember that many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deer & this is the proper speed & lane position for the vehicle.

    8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!," stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.

    9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat; it's the humidity," and the corresponding phrase "You call this hot? Wait 'til August."

    10. There are no delis. Don't ask.

    11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

    12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

    13. Brisket is not "cooked" in an oven.

    14. Don't tell us how you did it where you're from. Nobody cares.

    15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.

    16. We do TOO have 4 seasons: December, January, February, & Summer!

    17. Mercedes-Benz parts are not a status symbol. Dodge Ram parts are.

    18. If someone tells you, "Don't worry; those peppers aren't hot, "you can be certain they are.

    19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

    20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

    21. If someone says they're "fixin'" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

    22. Don't even think of ordering a daiquiri. What you really mean to say is "margarita."

    23. If you don't understand our passion for college & high school football, just keep your mouth shut.

    24. The value of a parking space isn't determined by the distance to the door but the availability of shade.

    25. If you see a slower-moving vehicle on a two-lane road pull onto the shoulder, that's called "courtesy."

    26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers & hotdogs outdoors.

    27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing isn't a popular weekend pastime.

    28. "Tea" = iced tea. There IS no other kind.

    29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

    30. You'll need to stand & remove your hat in the presence of any American flag, especially at a parade or rodeo, & remember, the final few words aren't "...the home of the brave, " they're "Gentlemen, start your engines." Please remain standing until it has fully ended.

    31. You aren't a "transplanted Texan." You are & always be "someone who moved to Texas." Don't try to fool us; it just doesn't work.

    32. EXCEPTION TO RULE 31: If you were born outside of Texas & moved here immediately upon delivery, you're considered by most to be Texan due to having no conscious memory of the previous life outside the state-in which case we have a hat you may wear that states, "I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as soon as I could."

    33. Richard Petty drove the #43 STP car. It could come up in conversation.

    34. Things will run much smoother for your kids if you introduce them to George Strait as soon as possible. Recommend the box collection. It prevents playground encounters which end with your kids asking, "Who's George Strait?"

    35. We're proud to be Texan, so if ever you get tired of hearing us brag, for safety's sake, DO NOT ask us to "keep it to ourselves."

    36. It's best to move back to wherever you came from immediately.

    37. If you don't know why they're called fire ants, put your bare foot in the middle of one of the mounds. It shouldn't be hard to find one, and it'll answer any further question you may have about their name.


    19 Things It Took Me 50 Years To Learn -By Dave Barry
    1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

    3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.v 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

    6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

    8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

    9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    10. Never lick a steak knife.

    11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

    12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

    13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

    14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

    16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

    17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

    18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    19. Your friends love you anyway.